mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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