I looked at my own cervix.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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