do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
