grandma shit on top of the toilet
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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