So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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