Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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