tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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