Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
