The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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