now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
