so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
