I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
