so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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