and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
