I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
