do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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