An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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