Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
