I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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