My sheets look like a crime scene.
so let's talk penis.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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