Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
