just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
