Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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