i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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