A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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