The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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