jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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