did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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