He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
