Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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