I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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