I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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