She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
