just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
