An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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