i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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