and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
