Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
