i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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