No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
