he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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