I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
worst night to have a conscience
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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