Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
