Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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