Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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