so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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