Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Randomize
