Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
