dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
