oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
one might say we're banned from that church
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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