the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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