shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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