i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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