I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
