hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
