I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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