Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
