just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
