He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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