remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
