She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
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