I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
