It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
