I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I am available for nakedness
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize