I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
